i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
