its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
