There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
