my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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