Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
