Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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