So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
