I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
