This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
