My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
