Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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