Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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