My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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