I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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