What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
