with your own penis?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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