just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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