Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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