i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize