He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
