the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
