They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
