I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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