I CAN MOONWALK!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
