i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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