I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
