Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You ruined the universe
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
