i just sent this text using only my big toe
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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