Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
