I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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