I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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