I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
