Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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