Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
