Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
