I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
