he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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