whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Send help, water and tortillas.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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