You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
