I can text with my tongue
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize