I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
