Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
