apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize