I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
