either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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