Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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