Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
