Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
