Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
