is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
