; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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