I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize