smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
