Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
